Deathiversary

We recently passed a year since my sister-in-law died and it still feels unreal.

how can a whole person
with laughter and love and light
become a pile of ash?

staring down at her tan particles
now sifted over the frozen grass
I consider how the wind might pick her up
and toss her into the trees
how she might dance in the air for a moment
how the birds might peck at her pieces with curiosity

I think about how the snow will melt
and soften her like wet sand
how the rain might run her into puddles, down gutters, out to streams

I imagine how years will pass and the compression of seasons
will press her further into the ground
becoming the layers of stone she once admired

how her particles might seep to the roots of trees and flowers
wiggle among the worms
how inevitably she will become spread out
one with nature and earth
in a way that perhaps she was before
and perhaps she could be again

Caroline’s Trying

When Guilu invited me to join this project, I was pretty unsure of where to begin. She had shared her posts with me before and I was always impressed by her eloquence and transparency – y’all know she’s got a way with words. So I wondered, could I do that? Could I, Queen of Unfinished Things, actually complete projects and then share them? It’s been difficult to imagine, as my depression has kept me down and stuck for a few years now. But this past year in particular, one of the worst by far for me, I really didn’t think I would bounce back from. I guess that’s what’s surprising about trauma, sometimes it shakes your foundation so hard that you have no choice but to start rebuilding. So I’m trying, block by baby block.

I’m trying to recognize the small victories – all of the things I’m doing right, or maybe even well. My therapist has promoted this practice, and it’s helped me to not get so discouraged. Makes me catch myself when I look around at the boxes in my room or lists in my notebook or stacks on my desk, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and pick one thing. Even if I can’t finish it, just break it into little chunks and start. I realize that this sounds pretty basic to a neurotypical person, but for folks like me, it is so easy to get overwhelmed, discouraged, and immobile. To reason that you’ll never achieve it all, so why attempt to achieve any of it?

This is my first go at a blog, and I must admit I find putting my thoughts out into the ether quite terrifying. But I’m at a point where something like this could potentially help me. I’m trying to reevaluate and reset my life. Figure out what it is I’m moving towards and what steps I need to get there. So in lieu of typing up a bullet point list of my aspirations (cause lord knows I don’t need more lists to agonize over), I thought I’d share a recent journal entry of mine which addressed some things I’m trying to achieve. Seemed like a fitting start.

12-26-19
Trying to be gentler with myself, but also less self-destructive. Trying to cutback on drowning my feelings in weed and alcohol. Trying to make healthier food choices (kind of). Trying to stop eating once I feel full – I hear putting your napkin on your plate helps with this. Trying to be present in my body and listen to it better. Trying to do more yoga and dance and deep breathing. Trying to address my myriad of health concerns, go to the doctor, take my medicines on time. Trying to slowly chip away at my To Do’s, bit by bit, into chewable pieces. Trying to set and maintain clear boundaries in relationships, not letting myself get bogged down by the pain of others. Trying to actually pursue my desires and not let fear run my life. Trying to read more and go to bed earlier. And on that note, goodnight.